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|
|
| since 1975, we at Acme Trading
have been proud to deliver |
Acme Trading
delivers |
| This is a popular opening gambit. Don't turn your readers off before they
start. |
|
| we believe that Acme
is the first |
Acme is the
first |
| If you've checked your facts,
shout it loud. |
|
| Acme Trading
is one of the country's leading |
Acme Trading
is a leading |
| The phrase 'one of' inflates and detracts
at the same time. Why draw attention to all those other leading companies? |
|
| the contract was won by
Acme |
Acme won the contract |
| Everyone knows that active is stronger than passive
– and in fewer words! |
|
| in order to serve
our customers |
to serve our customers |
| And better still: 'to serve you...' |
|
| so that we can serve you better |
to serve you better |
| Inflates just like 'in order to'. |
|
| the contract that we won |
the contract we won |
| 'That' is often dropped in speech. Your copy
will seem more relaxed if you drop it too. |
|
| you, our customer,
have |
you
have |
| Overblown formality. Write it as you would say it. |
|
| we are able to deliver |
we deliver |
| Always keep it short and sweet. |
|
| the service that Acme provides |
Acme's service |
| Chop those clauses and replace with an adjective or a possessive. |
|
| Acme carefully selects |
Acme selects |
| My pet hate. Of course they did it carefully – it's their job. This is limp puffery which, like most adverbs, does nothing but make the writer seem more important. |
|
| Acme's website is designed to help you choose |
Acme's website helps you choose
better still: Acme's website shows you |
| Who cares what it was 'designed' or 'intended' or 'produced' to do. Does it
succeed? Yes. Well go straight in and say so. |
|
